This Day is Shit. And it’s fine.
I’m going to post this, even though I’m like, “No one cares about your day or your thoughts, so stuff them and move on.”
I’m going to post this, even though I’m so unmotivated that I’m like a sloth to the sloth.
I’m posting for one of you who is reading this who also has had a shit day recently and like me, feels guilty about it, which makes the day even worse. Maybe you’ll feel a little less alone if you see someone else feeling the same feels as you.
This day has been shit.
My emotions are shit, my body feels like shit, things are moving along like shit. It started yesterday and I thought maybe with a good night’s sleep and a nice walk in the sun with my kid today would help. It didn’t help. My day is still shit. Or at least my perspective is shit. It’s probably the latter.
No one died.
My husband still has a job.
We have our basic needs met.
In other words, nothing major happened for my day to be shit.
It really is me.
I know it’s me.
But that doesn’t make it any easier.
I just can’t today.
Not with anything.
It took all my energy to throw some carrots, potatoes, and beef into a crockpot for dinner this morning. And now I walk by it and the smell makes me want to vomit. I don’t want to eat that for dinner. I want to eat pizza and Little Debbies. Specifically, the cake rolls that I like to eat in nibbles, starting with the edges of the outside chocolate and unrolling it like carpet as I go.
I even went to the grocery store today and passed right by them. I actually forced myself NOT to buy them. Why? Because I’m not feeling the greatest, partially due to all the snacks and junk food I’ve been stuffing in my face. Maybe it's a self-punishment thing, who the hell knows.
But then I’ll be mad later when all I have to eat in my son’s Colossal Berry Crunch cereal. Food has always been such a struggle (probably not in the way you assume either) but that’s a subject for another day.
Today’s subject: Shit Day.
I want to be productive and accomplish something. There are so many things I could be doing around the house (minus the usual). And I could be working on business stuff...to be ready for whenever this stay-at-home stuff is done.
But - my brain is just fried.
And I don’t even know why exactly.
I mean yeah, of course, things are weird with the pandemic. But the thing is, my life hasn’t changed that much. I am a homebody by nature and I LOVE it. I love being at home. I don’t like going out to the bar or to gatherings with a lot of people...hell, friends can hardly drag me out of my house for a one on one coffee date! The grocery store is always a pain, so doing all of this really isn’t hard for me.
Until...I haven’t really been alone in my own house for weeks now.
My fuel for life is ALONE time.
It’s been that way my entire life.
I’m also a control freak when it comes to knowing what’s going on and what the reason is behind something, having the truth and all the facts. I need to KNOW things to cope. Over the years I’ve worked on lightening up in this area...but dude, this pandemic has me triggered big time.
We have no idea where the fuck this is all going, how long it’s going to fucking last and what the actual fuck we are all doing. TRIGGERED.
I like the word fuck.
I tend towards being empathic and FEELING every damn feeling inside of me plus all the feelings from all the people around me. The feelings on this planet right now are intense and inescapable.
I struggle with all these emotions...feeling worn out mentally from everything. Feeling physically exhausted even though there is no reason for it. Feeling depressed and strained and like so much is being asked of me...even though it’s not.
But I also feel guilty about having these emotions.
Some people have lost jobs and loved ones to this virus and don’t have their basic needs met.
I feel guilty for even having any kind of emotions at all. Because someone, somewhere has less than me. But then, someone somewhere has more than me now too. There are many, many people, right now in this time that have way more than me and I’m not telling them to stop complaining or make them feel bad that they are having a shit day. But I still feel guilty and that's just one more emotion to add to the pile that is suffocating my mind.
This is a shit time for everyone I know and everyone I don’t know.
I’m not doing great today.
Today sucks ass.
Tomorrow might be better.
But I just can’t today.
All of this is just fine.
Sometimes we have shit days, and it’s fine.
It’s fine to have a shit day
Sometimes it helps just knowing someone else is having a shit day too.