It always amazes me how you can be going along just fine without sweets, and then the minute you decide to make a point NOT to eat them, you want them fiercely.
Ice cream has been on my mind all day.
And fudge stripe cookies.
My son ate a bowl of Fruity Pebbles in front of me after dinner too...which I don't really like, but I would have eaten if I weren't doing this Inner Sanctum deal...because there are no other sweets in the house.
Today is Monday. Even though I only have a part-time job on Saturdays (aside from my own business) Mondays still end up being the most busy. Why is that? I'm not even in an office.
Anyway, my Day 1 felt pretty normal because of this. Having a lot to do generally means the mind doesn't get restless enough to start feeding me a bunch of nonsensical things to think about that either lead to existential crisis or spiraling.
Upon checking my Facebook notifications (which are allowed in my case) I accidentally started scrolling. I'm serious. I literally just opened the app and saw something that looked interesting and I lost my ability to navigate life for a few minutes. Habits. And I'm not even that attached to social media stuff. That broke after I took a six-month break.
If you've never taken a break from social, I highly recommend. Read about my experience HERE.
I did have a notable meditation/journaling session this morning though. Now that it's summer, I like to sit in a chair on my front sidewalk, facing the sun before 9:00 when it's cool, still, and fresh.
The neighborhood dogs (bless their freaking hearts) started up during my meditation, which gave me an opportunity to put into practice being the observer and lover of my experience rather than the judger of it.
Not gonna say that I passed with flying colors or anything...it's all about practice friends. It's all about practice and tiny bits of progress that you sometimes can't even see with a million-dollar microscope.
I was able to (eventually) surrender to the present moment and soon the dogs faded into the background...I thought I was gold until I saw the dust being thrown up behind a 4-wheeler in our alley which reminded me of how dry its been here...there is something about dry weather and crispy grass and a layer of dust and pollen on EVERYTHING that triggers the hell out of me.
So, instead of making up another negative story about all of this and playing out doomsday scenarios where all the trees die and a forest fire forces us to leave, I got out my journal and did some self-inquiry about the subject.
Here's what I found:
We all want to feel good, right? Part of me feeling good has depended on lush green grass, a hint of moisture in the air, and sunny days. Throw in some good old-fashioned thunderstorms with a heavy serving of rain a few times a month and I'm GOOOOOD! I realized that even though I haven't truly seen it until today, I am WAY too attached to the weather being the way I want it to be in order for me to feel good.
And because I cannot control the weather, I feel frustrated and low, and helpless.
One of the things I move toward in life is the desire to feel good, or at least content, at peace, in harmony with what is WITHOUT my external circumstances having to be the way that I prefer them to be.
Have you ever tried practicing this? Ego is on FIRE, wanting to control silly things like the weather and the barking dogs, and the obnoxious ravens. The ones I tried to shoot grapes at with a slingshot. Just FYI, I suck at using a slingshot.
There have been moments, more and more of them all the time, but still fleeting, where I have found that inner peace during the shit storm of unwanted circumstances. I cannot begin to describe the level of freedom that is hidden beneath the surface of our ridiculous judgments and stories and control mechanisms.
I WANT MORE OF THAT.
Which is why I am obsessed with self-realization. I want to live my life without this suffering that we impose upon ourselves. The ever-growing glimpses I've had are proof enough for me that what mystics and "enlightened" folks have been saying is TRUTH.
Yes, there is pain.
Yes, there are unwanted situations.
Yes, there are things that we do even though we don't want to do them because we haven't mastered the art of instantaneous creative power through the mind.
BUT - Suffering is optional.
Suffering is in the mind.
How did your Day 1 go friends?