Subtraction of Identity

Something that I am highly interested in is burning down all the structures I have created, because I know from direct experience that when we release the need to have these identity structures (or ego), there is freedom and peace beyond anything that can be described with words. 

Lately, my body has been going through some changes...menopause being one of them -- so many hot flashes and bizarre sensations! And I have been having more frequent nerve pain in my left shouler/neck/head/eye socket that can be debilitating at times...Something I have dealt with for decades. My eyes have been changing as well, which makes me unable to be on screens as much as I would like. Right now, my highly sensitive self is experiencing everything at an exaggerated level.

All of this has forced me to ask myself some hard questions about what I ACTUALLY have bandwidth for and what is sustainable versus identity structures that remain standing in the shadows.

Challenging experiences are pressure against the structures. Pressure helps us see the things that are not actually TRUE and REAL for us. Because pressure collapses identity structures.

I try to model my life after a handful of "S" words.

Silence.

Solitude.

Stillness.

Simplicity.

Slowness.

Spaciousness.

These are the things I NEED (not just want) for my sensitive body to feel okay.

If I start to feel not okay, then I have to ask myself: what is out of alignment with my "S" words? Where can I let go of things so that I can feel better?  Because for me, it's not about adding something to my life to make me feel better.

It's about subtraction.

Another "S" word!

Over the last 5-10 years, I have created many websites, Facebook pages, and Instagram accounts in moments of excitement and enjoyment and thoughts about future endeavors. Over time, I have let some go after realising that it's just too much for me to manage, having my energy spread thin across multiple areas.

Simplicity wins!

All this recent shifting in my body is producing GLORIOUS catalyst for growth -- if you know me, you know how much I LOVE diving into the depths of the dark! -- And this is requiring me to ask questions about my own identity structures.

A long-standing fear of mine, because I highly value integrity and authenticity, is that my actions or intentions will be misunderstood by others as egotistical... That if I have "April Ann Roy" as the name that is the umbrella I use to cover everything I do (The Gatherings, my personal offerings, my Facebook content, and everything else), that people will think I am full of myself. That I am obsessed with my name or want people to look at me.

This couldn't be further from the truth...but it doesn't stop my mind from being afraid of being perceived this way.

So, I built protective structures around myself to try and eliminate the possibility of my fear coming true.

For years, even though it was a logistical nightmare, I have had several different websites, Facebook pages, and Instagram accounts, all with different names to take attention off of myself.

I was hiding behind these things.

Several years ago, I was brave enough to let go of two other websites with different names and consolidate down to aprilannroy.com . But still, there has been tension around it...not wanting my name to become some "thing" that is like an attention grab. Because I actually prefer not to be seen...which is why you don't see me posting many videos or photos of myself.

I'm a work in progress!

Especially since I really enjoy sharing things and I know people like to watch videos...I have been trying to put myself "out there" more despite the discomfort because I know it produces growth and confidence in me.

I have felt for some time that I just want to have ONE Facebook page, just like I have one website now. I even felt this way before I created the New Earth Common Unity Facebook page...but because of this need to hide behind some other kind of name other than my own, I created it anyway.

This is identity structure.

I have identified as "the woman who is not egotistical" or "the woman who values authenticity". I have gotten a sense of value, a sense of being a good person, out of making sure that I do things authentically, aligned with integrity.

Now, is there anything inherently wrong with this?

Of course not! Honesty is good. Inclusiveness is good. Checking the ego is good. Integrity is good. Being a good person is helpful.

What I didn't see was that hiding behind another label or name was doing the exact opposite of being authentic.

The point is that I have been making choices that deplete me and stress my nervous system in favor of this structure of identity I have built for myself...all because of a fear of how people might perceive me.

But I can't sustain a structure that is built out of fear any longer.

The pressure has become too much to try and do something that does not represent my "S" words, which are deeply important to me.

As I burn this identity structure down so that I can be FREE to be exactly who I am -- aligned with all the "S" words-- my actions and behavior need to change to reflect what feels true and right for me, no matter what anyone thinks about me.

On Facebook, I removed myself as admin for one page, and I deleted ALL of my old business/organization pages, including the one I created for New Earth Common Unity. And I reduced my Instagram accounts to just one. April Ann Roy.

How good and simple this feels!!!

I apologize to those of you who recently followed the NECU page on Facebook. But I am going to continue posting content that I was posting there on my personal page, which is doubling as my offering page as well.

And The Gatherings are not going anywhere, in case anyone local was wondering. I still plan to host those, just not under the New Earth Common Unity name.

This is all just about subtraction and simplification...letting the identity structures burn and fall!

What I offer, who I am, is not bound to a business name...not even to my birth name. It's much more fluid and expansive than that.

I am not this body with its challenges.

I am not the roles that I play or the abilities I have.

I am not labels like mother, wife, sister, daughter...

I am the unexplainable me.

And this expression of me happens to have a name.

So for now, in this life, however long it lasts, I will embrace the name that I have been given. I will own and embody April Ann Roy until the persona has exhausted what the Divine Origin created it to do.

And at that time, I will easily shed the name and release into the unexplainable me once again.

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