I pulled the Hanged Man card AGAIN today.
It's been coming up a lot lately.
If you're into tarot, the card pictured above is from "The Light Seer's Tarot" deck. I LOVE the art that was put into this deck. Find it HERE if you are interested. I highly recommend.
In any case, the upright Hanged Man is all about higher learning, wisdom, surrender, waiting, perspective, contemplation, letting go, reflecting, and sacrifice.
And I'm ALL about that these days. Seems like 2023, for me at least, is a year of going deep into the unknown, surrendering all that I am to the GREAT I AM, and allowing my inner guidance to lead me down an uncertain path. It feels like a challenge of surrender, of letting go of the force of my own will...letting out a relinquishing sigh.
My day two was a little rough. I didn't blog last night like I said I would to those who are following the Immersion, but I didn't have it in me to sit at the computer. I wasn't feeling well and had an absent mental capacity to think about writing anything.
I did manage to eat well and rest, meditate, and journal, with some much-needed time in the sun and pool. When I don't feel well, the sun seems to soothe me to the core of my being and when I can bake in the sun as well as float in my pool with my arms dangling in the water, all seems right!
With this Inner Sanctum Immersion having a focus on love, sacrifice speaks to me deeply. We tend to think about sacrifice as doing something we don't want to do but do anyway...and it can be. Like the sacrifice we make for our partner, and our children by doing things for them out of love, even though it may not be what we prefer.
I am not fond of preparing and cooking meals. And I do it every day. Even though I don't like it. I do it because I love my husband and son and I want them to have healthy food to eat. My sacrifice isn't meant to be some kind of egotistical martyrdom but of honor and service.
I know it sounds kinda gaggy like some super spiritual guru that wouldn't care if their eye was gouged out, they'd still serve someone dinner.
This love though...it's beyond comprehension, and that is something I really have wanted to embody as I move forward in life, which is why I chose LOVE as the theme for this Immersion.
I'm not talking about giving of myself to depletion. Not at all. That would not be love for myself. But if I have already decided to make dinner, if I know I'm going to do it with whether I want to or not, I want to choose the path of doing it with all of my heart. With my love flowing out through my hands as I chop veggies and set the table. I want what my family eats to be infused with the love that I AM. I want that for the people that I coach, and for those who purchase my meditations or products. I want that all-encompassing love to go into everything that I do.
But here's the catch.
Doing it without the thought that it somehow makes me a better person if I do it. Or that I will get some kind of heavenly points on my "good girl" chart. None of that. There is no judgment with any of this. It's just simple giving because it feels damn good to give...as long as it is looked at from the perspective of love and not duty.
Today, day 3, has been a down day for me physically and emotionally speaking. I didn't get much sleep last night because the Canadian wildfire smoke moved in thicker and I had to close the window and turn on the A/C...which I don't like. I love me some fresh air and night sounds while I sleep! Not only that, a mystery mosquito that has been in our bedroom for 3 nights continues to torment me, buzzing next to my face, yet never biting. I don't know how many times I slapped myself in the face to kill the sucker and turned the light on to see if I got him.
As I was making dinner tonight, feeling quite tired and low, I was reflecting on these feelings and wanting to feel better. I got to thinking,
"Why do we always need to feel better?"
Yeah, being low energy and unmotivated is no fun but, I found within myself an expectation to feel better. Where is this expectation coming from? I think it's taught to us...by parents, teachers, friends, spiritual leaders, and most of them well-meaning, always trying to cheer us up, and telling us to look at the bright side.
To be clear, there is nothing wrong with looking at the bright side and extracting the goodness out of each situation.
But, the expectation is that we're not "SUPPOSED" to feel poorly.
Of course, we want to feel good! There's nothing inherently wrong with seeking enjoyment or pleasant feelings. But seeking to feel good because we feel like we "should", that's not helpful. It drives us to go after things that cover up how we feel, even if that is something as benign as staying busy.
Sometimes, we can feel that our "low vibes" are affecting those around us and sense the expectation to please others by being pleasant around them so they feel good.
And then there is the spiritual bypassing which tells us that spiritual seekers "shouldn't" feel bad. They should be happy all the time, with a smile on their face as they waft through the room like a ghost that just had sex.
LOVE is not dismissing the way that we feel in order to make others feel good, in order to fulfill some kind of cultural expectation, or to appear as if we are spiritually enlightened.
Here's the deal, I can feel shitty while at the same time not being an asshole. I just know that I need to love myself through what is arising, surrender to it and let it ride out. Because in order to truly heal, that's what must be done. Finding something to make us feel better isn't changing the energies that linger in our cells, it's just covering them up until another time.
I didn't use to think it was possible, but from my own experience I know that we can have peace and love without feeling "good".
Peace doesn't mean that we suddenly prefer what's happening. It doesn't mean we're excited about our experience. It just means that we can be at rest, internally, while the storm rages on around us. And this could be a whole 'nother post...
Today, I loved myself in spite of the expectations that I incurred from just being born, in spite of my own judgments, and in spite of others' beliefs about what spirituality "should" look like.
I think we should say this more often...
Today, I loved myself.