Can't Do This Anymore...But, Guilt
I don’t even know where to start.
I just know this is going to be taken wrong by someone and I’ll get my ass chewed while at the same time be applauded by someone else and get heart emojied.
But I guess I’m not writing this for people...I’m writing it for me. And maybe someone feels the same. I don’t know. Does it matter? I don’t fucking know.
I literally don’t know anything about anything right now.
I’m so tired. Mentally.
And it’s turned into a physical feeling that I wake up with every single day.
Voices: “Who cares if you’re tired and mentally spent! Can you imagine what if feels like to be a person of color right now in Minneapolis or anywhere in the country?”
I’m a white woman who doesn’t know shit about what it’s like to be covered in dark skin. So yeah, I can’t imagine what it’s like. I will never have a clue. I will never understand what it’s like to walk down a street on guard, wondering if something will happen to me because I'm not pale skinned.
I also have no idea what it feels like to be living in a city where there are riots and burning and threat of death. I have no idea what it feels like to lose everything I have, everything I’ve worked for...all my belongings...my family’s income...all of it burned to the ground or stolen.
No one I am close to has been hurt or killed by all this shit going on. Not by COVID, not by rioters, not by asshole police.
I live in a relatively safe and quiet part of my state. Riots and race wars and crazy stuff will probably never make it here. But I still feel shit. I still see all of it and it hurts my heart and my mind.
And I want to help.
But there is nothing realistic I can do.
Voices: “Maybe you can’t help physically, but you can be supportive by spreading the word on Instagram and Facebook.”
Right. And I have.
But what word is the “right” word?
What kind of support is the “right” support?
Who are the right people to support?
If I support police I am racist. If I support minorities I'm a liberal snowflake. If I support business owners I care more about them than the people murdered. If I support people killed I am no better than the actual rioters.
There is NO winning.
Nearly every time I make a post someone counters it with good points from the other side. Then when I tell people I can see both sides, it's not good enough. It’s like everyone wants me to pick a side. And if I don’t pick a side...or if I am vocal for a moment about one side and not the other, they tell me, “You’re part of the problem.”
It doesn’t matter if its from a BLM supporter or a right-wing Republican... I’m always part of the problem to someone.
I really don’t feel like anything I say or post or do is making one bit of difference. People continue to read what fits their already formed ideas without stepping outside the box to look around.
I hate feeling like I don't know what is going to happen next.
I don’t know if I can read any more about the fighting between whether masks work or not...I don't know if I can stomach seeing arguments about whether we should shut the whole country down for years because of COVID or open up right this second because people don't have enough income to eat. I don’t know if the riots are good because peaceful protests haven’t worked. I don’t know if I should feel bad for all the destruction because it has drawn attention to the cause, or if I’m supposed to say, “This has gone too far, it’s not about justice anymore”.
Should I believe the reports that say people have been sent from other states with political agendas or should I believe the reports that say the rioters are mostly from in-state and there is no conspiracy? Should I believe that COVID is so much worse than the flu and that people are dropping like flies or should I believe that numbers are skewed and miscounted for some political or financial reason? Are people really being paid to help start riots so minorities look bad or is that some kind of nonsense to create confusion?
Every story has a counter-story.
Every idea has been debunked.
Every side is “right” and supposedly you’re a moron if you can’t see it.
And Of Course,
Yeah, I know.
I’m a privileged white woman who doesn't know anything.
I also want to kill people if I don’t wear a mask.
I’m a filthy Trump supporter if I think Americans should keep their guns.
Somehow, I am a snowflake liberal too, especially when I say anything about racism still being a thing. And don’t forget I’m a conspiracy theorist because I ask some fucking questions about shit that doesn’t add up.
To whoever wants to insult me, I magically become the opposite thing as them. Like a fucking unicorn using sorcery.
So many things on this planet need to change. So many things. They all have solutions, somewhere, but I have no fucking idea what they are. I want to fix things, but no matter what I do it’s not good enough for someone. Sometimes it’s not good enough for my own self because of time, money, or obligations.
But if I’m not educating myself about COVID-19 or, people of color or, why riots are good or bad, or what’s really going on with our government...if I’m not researching who certain people are and what they said on Twitter back in 2019...if I’m not “making a stand”...if I’m not exposing the truth...if I don’t dig a little deeper and have a link to this science or that science...if I don’t have a medical degree...if I’m not a scientist or an economist...
...then I should shut up... or maybe I am part of the problem and hiding my head in the sand. I’m not sure which it is, because the same people say one or the other depending on what issue you are talking about.
I just don’t know if I can stand to subject myself to the conveyer belt of information on social media any longer.
It’s like, I want to know what’s going on, but then I’ll spend inordinate amounts of time scrolling and refreshing to get the latest. All I’m left with when I’m done is a feeling of helplessness that triggers anxiety.
With a huge helping of guilt.
When I think thoughts of staying away from the endless supply of "reports" because it’s harming my mental health, all the voices of those I know and many that I don’t go running through my head. They don’t even have to come from direct interaction. It could be I am remembering shit people have said to other people about what a pathetic, part-of-the-problem asshole they are and how they aren’t doing enough to help anyone. Anywhere.
It leaves me feeling like if I turn away from this absolute shit-storm without “helping” I am the eternal, privileged, unholy scum of the earth who deserves to burn in a riot fire because I’m no good to anyone.
I am beyond sad for everything and everyone. My chest hurts with grief for those who have lost people to racist idiots or hate crimes...to police violence, but also for those who have lost homes and businesses due to the riots or to the shut-downs because of the virus.
What is going on right now in the U.S. and across the world, is so far past what my words can express. Utter nonsense. Bat-shit crazy. Sad and pathetic. Unjust fuckery. Immature, money hoarding, power-hungry twaddle that I just can't wrap my mind around it.
People experimented on in the name of “medical science”. Lies from the government and powers that be and manipulation from them as well. Hunger and death from starvation around the world. Ads coming at us from every platform we visit...eat this, wear this, try this!!!!!!!!!
Busy lives filled with lots of work and things to do, but not enough money to pay the bills. Animals on the verge of extinction. Clean water crisis. Topsoil disappearing. Wars for money, power, control, and greed. Suicide. Abuse. Neglect.
SO. MUCH. TO. SEE. HEAR. KNOW.
I am very optimistic about the future, but I am also a realist. I refuse to hide under spirituality and pretend that shit doesn’t suck. I love being spiritual but I also love being real.
Right now, I’m feeling things that are too big to be healthy.
I know my experience right now is not on the same level as a person who lost someone, or their house or their business or is living in constant fear of the next moment.
But my experience is still valid.
And I have to take care of myself. Sometimes it's hard to find a balance. I don't know what I'm going to do...but I can't do what I'm doing anymore or I am going to dissolve into a useless puff of smoke.